Our Top 10 Jim Gaffigan Parenting Quotes

Jim Gaffigan is a hilarious comedian. He has five children so naturally a lot of his “material” is about parenting. There really is endless humor in parenting. After much deliberation, the Kudo Banz team selected our top 10 Gaffigan parenting quotes. It was hard to pick just 10! They are listed in no particular order.

  1. “You know what it’s like having five kids? Imagine you’re drowning. And someone hands you a baby.”
  2. “I used to wonder why I had hair on my legs, but now I know it’s for my toddler sons and daughters to pull themselves up off the ground with as I scream in pain.”
  3. “Whoever came up with the term “terrible twos” must have felt very foolish after their kid turned three.”
  4. “Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they’ve never been to sleep before. “Bed? What’s that? No, I’m not doing that.” They never want to go to bed. This is another thing that I will never have in common with my children. Every morning when I wake up, my first thought is, “When can I come back here?” It’s the carrot that keeps me motivated. Sometimes going to bed feels like the highlight of my day. Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings. Once the lights are out, you can expect at least an hour of inmates clanging their tin cups on the cell bars.”
  5. “Every night before I get my one hour of sleep, I have the same thought: “Well, that’s a wrap on another day of acting like I know what I’m doing.” I wish I were exaggerating, but I’m not. Most of the time, I feel entirely unqualified to be a parent. I call these times being awake.”
  6. “Big families are like waterbed stores; they used to be everywhere, and now they’re just weird.”
  7. “There should be a children’s song, ‘If You’re Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep.”
  8. “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.”
  9. These last 2 are more on the serious side:
  10. “Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.”
  11. “People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?”

Thank you, Jim Gaffigan, for helping us see the humor in parenting. Love, laugh and parent on!


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